Buckets with Friends Part 3
You can love someone with your whole heart and still not give them access to your soul.
In the third episode of the buckets-with-friends series, Sarah gives you four more boundary-setting steps to add to the three from last time (find where you lost your bucket, own only what belongs to you, and examine the motives behind conflict).
This episode is about putting those ideas into practice: how to start small, how to let go of what's clouding your bucket, how to say no without a speech, and how to spot the people who will keep breaking what you're trying to build.
4 MORE BOUNDARY-SETTING STEPS
1. Practice protecting your boundaries. Start small: “Let me check my calendar,” or acknowledging someone's feelings without taking them into your bucket. If you realize afterward that you should have set a boundary, go back and set it. It's still a win, and writing it down helps it stick.
2. Forgive your bucket violators. Unforgiveness clouds your bucket like an uncleaned fish tank, making it impossible to see clearly enough to set a boundary. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, going back to how things were, or showing up at the family reunion. It means choosing to stop carrying it.
3. Set clear boundaries to inform. A boundary is you telling someone what you will and won't do. You don't owe an explanation, and Sarah notes that people who push for a “why” are often the ones who aren't respecting your no.
4. Avoid unsafe people. Not everyone has earned access to your bucket, including some people you love.
TRAITS OF UNSAFE PEOPLE
Drawing from Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Sarah walks through a list of traits to watch for. She also points out that weak boundaries on your own end can make you an unsafe person to others, such as when you rescue or people-please instead of being honest.
• Think they have it all together, and won't admit weaknesses or faults
• Get defensive instead of staying open to feedback
• Are self-righteous instead of humble • Only apologize, without changing their behavior
• Avoid their own problems (and expect others to pick up the pieces)
• Demand trust instead of earning it
• Blame others instead of taking responsibility
• Lie instead of telling the truth
• Don't grow, learn, or consider other perspectives
“Love can be unconditional, but access to us relationally cannot be.” — Sarah Bentz
MOMENTS WORTH REWINDING FOR
• The fish tank analogy for what unforgiveness does to your ability to see clearly
• Why “I'm sorry” isn't enough, illustrated by Sarah asking her three-year-old grandson what exactly he's sorry for
• The “counseling 101” reason Sarah avoids the word “why”
• Why you lock your doors before you leave on vacation, and what that says about earning trust
• The press board vs. cedar analogy for relationships where trust keeps breaking RESOURCES MENTIONED
• Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. On telling the difference between safe and unsafe people.
• Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. Sarah's earlier recommendation, referenced again here.
REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE
• What's one small boundary you could practice this week, and can you write it down?
• Is there a bucket violator you've been carrying unforgiveness toward? What would it look like to set it down?
• Where are you over-explaining when you could simply inform?
• Looking at your target, who is sitting close to the center while showing several of these unsafe traits?
COMING UP NEXT
One more episode on buckets with friends, focused on safe people. After that, Sarah moves into buckets with family, just in time for the holidays.
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Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com
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Sarah Bentz
Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com
Website: www.hopeandgrowthcenter.com (Navigate to the "Not In My Bucket" tab for journaling exercises)
Not In My Bucket Podcast
Be sure to like and subscribe and share this episode with someone who needs help protecting their bucket this week!
This episode touches on exposure to rage and violence and other difficult family dynamics. If any of this feels heavy foryou personally, it may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist.
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