Bucket Violations, Part 1: 7 Ways We Break Each Other's Boundaries
You've probably done at least one of these without meaning to — and you've definitely had at least one done to you.
In the last episode, Sarah talked about setting limits and how boundaries help define who we are. This week she goes a layer deeper into the emotional side of that work: the specific, everyday ways our emotional “buckets” get violated, often by people who love us and don't realize what they're doing. Some of these will feel like your childhood. Some might feel like your marriage, your parenting, or your last hard conversation.
Sarah walks through the first seven of fifteen total bucket violations, using stories from her own family, her own marriage, and her counseling background to show how each one shows up and how to start catching yourself before you pass it on.
THE 7 BUCKET VIOLATIONS COVERED IN THIS EPISODE
1.“You shouldn't feel that way.” Dismissing or shaming someone's feelings instead of simply acknowledging them.
2.Having your feelings ignored. Being brushed off, talked over, or shut down when you finally work up the courage to share how you feel.
3.Being threatened with abandonment. Using the fear of being left, kicked out, or divorced as leverage in an argument.
4.Being called names. Labels that get thrown into someone's bucket and quietly become part of their identity.
5.Having affection withheld. Using silence or coldness as punishment, which teaches love has to be earned.
6.Being exposed to uncontrolled rage or violence. Witnessing outbursts that rewire your sense of safety, even when you're not the target.
7.Being told you're responsible for someone else's feelings. “You made me angry” versus owning your own emotional reactions.
“Your feelings, your bucket. Their behavior, their bucket. Own your feelings first.” — Sarah Bentz
MOMENTS WORTH REWINDING FOR
• Why a counselor never hands a crying client a tissue — and what that teaches about sitting with someone's emotions instead of stopping them
• Sarah's “Goombas” story: how she caught herself about to reach for name-calling as a parent and swapped in something harmless instead
• The difference between an “I statement” and a “you statement,” and why swapping one for the other changes an entire conversation
• Why security and affection are basic human needs, not things anyone should have to earn back
REFLECTION PROMPTS FROM THIS EPISODE
As you listen, Sarah suggests sitting with two questions for each of the seven violations: • Have I experienced this — in childhood, in a past relationship, or right now? • Have I ever done this to someone else, even without meaning to? Her suggestion: keep a literal or mental “bucket” labeled with the name of the person whose feelings, behavior, or issues you've been carrying that were never yours to hold — and start putting things back where they belong.
COMING UP NEXT
Part 2 continues with eight more bucket violations. Subscribe so it lands in your feed as soon as it's out.
🧢 Wear Your Boundaries on Your Sleeve!
Stop holding secret expectations and start stating your limits clearly! Check out our official podcast store for hats, mugs, travel tumblers, and the fan-favorite ""Stop shoulding on yourself" " t-shirt
👉 Shop the Official Not In My Bucket Merchandise Here: Not In My Bucket Merchandise Collection.
Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com
Let's Connect!
Sarah Bentz
Email: notinmybucket@hopeandgrowthcenter.com
Website: www.hopeandgrowthcenter.com (Navigate to the "Not In My Bucket" tab for journaling exercises)
Not In My Bucket Podcast
Be sure to like and subscribe and share this episode with someone who needs help protecting their bucket this week!
This episode touches on exposure to rage and violence and other difficult family dynamics. If any of this feels heavy foryou personally, it may be worth talking it through with a counselor or therapist.
Mixing, editing, and show notes provided by NEXT DAY PODCAST